Todd Covini
12-19-2008, 09:49 PM
For many, today was the final workday before the holiday. So I give you my Holiday Eating Tips.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows very little about the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Quickly. It's rare. You can’t find it at any time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-coholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, some people always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk, and if it’s skim, they pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like those scallops wrapped in bacon speared on toothpicks, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read the tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a dutiful journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well-preserved body. As you reach your final destination, you should be skidding sideways, a glass of refreshment clutched in your hand, your body used up, exhausted from the adventure, shouting, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows very little about the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Quickly. It's rare. You can’t find it at any time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-coholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, some people always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk, and if it’s skim, they pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like those scallops wrapped in bacon speared on toothpicks, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read the tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a dutiful journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well-preserved body. As you reach your final destination, you should be skidding sideways, a glass of refreshment clutched in your hand, your body used up, exhausted from the adventure, shouting, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"