Jokes thread - we need some funny on this board.

[MikeP99Z]

So, this man and wife were out playing playing golf when his wife goes down to the ladies box. The man gets impatient and goes ahead and Tees off. Accidentally, he drove the ball and hit her in the temple where she drops dead. At the coroners, he is questioned about a bruise on his wife's side. The man says,"That was my 2nd shot".

[MikeP99Z]

$20 story

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'



[mitchntx]

http://seriouslulz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/hikickpussy.jpg

[BlueFirePony]

A man comes into a bar with his pet monkey.
The bartender agrees to let the monkey stay when the man explains that the monkey is very well behaved and won't be any problem.

After a couple drinks, the man needs to drain the snake (very wildlife-oriented is this joke). "He won't be a problem. But just keep an eye on him till I get back.", says the monkey's owner.

Just as the man disappears into the men's room, the monkey jumps down from the barstool, runs over to a nearby pool table and swallows the cue ball then runs back to sit on a barstool.
The bartender is shocked and when the man comes back, he states "your damn monkey just ate a cue ball from that pool table over there!".
The man apologizes, offers to pay for the cue ball and then leaves the bar with his monkey.

A few weeks later, the man comes back in the bar with his monkey. The bartender yells, "No way is that monkey coming in here again!". The man pleads with the bartender and says that the monkey has learned a valuable lesson from the cue ball incident.

The bartender agrees to let the monkey stay.

After a couple drinks, the man needs to drain the snake again (small bladder). "He definately learned his lesson last time. He won't be eating any cue balls for sure! But just keep an eye on him till I get back.", says the monkey's owner.

Just as the man disappears into the men's room, the monkey grabs a peanut from the bowl on the counter, stuffs it up its ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is shocked and when the man comes back, he states "your damn monkey just grabbed a peanut, stuffed it up its ass and then ate it!".

The man explains "Yeah, after the cue ball incident, he wants to make sure it fits before he eats it".

[mitchntx]

Two dogs walk into a bar.

They are sitting having a drink when they look around and notice none of the other dogs are wearing collars.

"Dont look now" says the first dog "but I think we've wandered into a stray bar"

http://www.thecatpetshop.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/funny-cat2.jpg

[jeffburch]

A guy walks into a drivers meeting
at the '06 Nationals talking about cmc2.



jb

[Todd Covini]

A guy walks into a drivers meeting
at the '06 Nationals talking about cmc2.

jb

"We-yll...OBVIOUSLY, we have a rapist in Linkin Park. He's climbin' in yo window...he's snatchin' yo people up...tryin' to rape 'em. So y'all need to hide yo' wives...hide yo' kids..."

[mitchntx]

we need some funny on this board.


It was a nice try, Mike.

[Al Fernandez]

Two guys are in a hot air balloon and they decide they're lost. They see a guy walking around and yell down "Hey, where are we?"
The guy yells back "You're in a balloon!"
The guys in the balloon yell down "Well, you must be an engineer because the information you've given us is absolutely correct and yet completely useless."
So the alleged engineer yells back "Well you two must be managers because you have a perfect view of your surroundings yet you have no idea where you are!"

Feel free to substitue two series directors in the balloon and a driver on the ground :wink:

[cobra132]

90 year old man is standing on a street corner just looking off in the distance. A young man walks up and asks "How are you doing?". The old man replies, " I am doing very well thank you. I am married to a beautful 26 year old blonde and she takes great care of me. She cooks, cleans and baths me, and (he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a hand full of little blue pills) with these we make love all night long." The young man retorts, "Wow you are really doing well". "Yes" says the old man, "If I could only remember where I live".

[Casey_SS]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

[Papa Kellam]

Giving Up Wine


A lady is walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[cjlmlml]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Fbody383]

The bar manager looked up from the paper when he heard the bell ring as the door opened and was a little taken aback at what he saw walking into the restauran ~ a giant panda. Not being one to unfairly judge, he lets the furry customer take a seat.

After consuming a meal fit for a king the panda paid his bill, stood up, pulled a semi auto pistol from his fur and began firing wildly. Upon reaching an empty magazine he turned toward the door.

The manager, thankful no one was hurt, was understandably furious and yells to the panda, "HEY! You can't just come in here and act like that."

The panda looks at him and says, "I'm a panda, look it up" and walks out the door.

It's a while before the police release the scene and the manager is able to return to the panda's challenge but what he finds astounds even him.

Giant Panda
Member of the bear family.
Indigenous to southeast Asia.
Eats shoots and leaves.

[mitchntx]

http://lawmotorsports.net/lionfacepalm.jpg

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

[mitchntx]

http://i745.photobucket.com/albums/xx94/woody8357/Random/funny_myspace_picture-1846.jpg

[Crumpacker]

:lol:

Can't wait to see Darcie's response to that one.

[AllZWay]

:lol:

Can't wait to see Darcie's response to that one.

I emailed it to my wife... so far no response. :shock:

[edrock96GT]

:lol:

Can't wait to see Darcie's response to that one.

I emailed it to my wife... so far no response. :shock:

Just as long as the response doesn't look anything like this... :lol:

[Mrs. Crumpacker]

I laughed at the MSDS sheet :lol: ...just remember what I quoted below..


Giving Up Wine
...
She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

:wink:

[mitchntx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM&feature=player_embedded

[michaelmosty]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo

[edrock96GT]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo

I love the one with the English lyrics!! :lol:

[edrock96GT]

Some motivation here.. :)

[ShadowBolt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM&feature=player_embedded


There went 2:42 of my life I will never get back. How could you even know about that?
Michaels is bad also but not as bad as this.

JJ

[mitchntx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM&feature=player_embedded

How could you even know about that?

JJ

Oh my ... doesn't everyone listen to Russian Pop Music?

That guy's like the Justin Beiber of Russia!

[Papa Kellam]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[Papa Kellam]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket
and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished
his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Oklahoma , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Oklahoma ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
there."

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Oklahoma ."

"Get outta here!" the boy said , "Who'd she play for?"

[mitchntx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Co6GAaXFw&feature=player_embedded

[Casey_SS]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Co6GAaXFw&feature=player_embedded

I don't care who you are...dat dares funny...dat guy was happier'n a tornado in a trailer park...

[mitchntx]

Paging BryanL ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84NPTTtd9Do&feature=player_embedded#!

[Rob Liebbe]

Got extra money from not paying taxes, insurance, etc. Build one of these.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gOc9FoJsks&feature=related

Yo.

[mitchntx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuigcXvcy1A

[mitchntx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuigcXvcy1A

And in real time application ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb_HdYQooc4

[Waco Racer]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Waco Racer]

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day" says the old Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with
me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man And he hunts and fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he
wont touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"

[ShadowBolt]

Boudreaux, Thibodeaux, and Guidry fished in the Bayou almost every day. One day while they were in their favorite spot Thibodeaux says, "I need to tell you two somethin. You know I never told you dis but I is Gay. I is Gay as a tree dollar bill and I got dem damn AIDS". Guidry and Boudreaux were shocked. Thibodeaux said, "I know you don't like hearing this and you hate me now but I need a favor. I'm going to die in a few months and I want you to spread my ashes right here in our favorite fishing spot". Guidry and Boudreaux agreed and three months later they were in the boat and Boudreaux was about to spread Thibodeaux's ashes in the fishing spot when Guidry says, "don't you tink we should say some words over dese ashes"? Boudreaux thinks for a minutes then starts to dump the ashes and says "ashes to ashes and dust to dust, if you would have liked pussy you would still be wit us"


JJ

[mitchntx]

You might be a redneck if ...

... you use a laser gun-site as an alignment tool.

[ShadowBolt]

You might be a redneck if ...

... you use a laser gun-site as an alignment tool.


Or water on the floor as an alignment tool.


JJ

[David Love AI27]

Mitch at work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NW-WzeRFaGg&feature=fvst

[Rob Liebbe]

How else do you deal with a piece of shit copier?

[michaelmosty]

This guy needs to dj our banquet this weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmZQyY-g4z4

[mitchntx]

This guy needs to dj our banquet this weekend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmZQyY-g4z4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQnForWPm78&feature=player_embedded#!

[Mrs. Crumpacker]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, " I was in the back yard with my kitty & the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start & before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"it sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Fffff!, Fffff, But before she could say Fuck, the Rottweiler
ate her!"

[AllZWay]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, " I was in the back yard with my kitty & the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start & before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"it sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Fffff!, Fffff, But before she could say Fuck, the Rottweiler
ate her!"

I am not sure why... but that cracked me up. :lol:

[way2neary]

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the onlytractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.

The moral of the story? ....... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick
Up Chicks"

[Mrs. Crumpacker]

Doctor's Advice:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A:If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[edrock96GT]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s62uC726w4

It's sooo true!

[mitchntx]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said,
'Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.'

'Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[AllZWay]

A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "Sir, you do know there's a steering wheel in your pants...". The pirate says "Argh! It's drivin' me nuts.".

[Wade]

The next week, the pirate walks back into the bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender says "Sir, you do know there's a paper towel on your head...". The pirate says "Argh! 'tis a bounty on me head.".

[jeffburch]

Quote from 'Larry, the cable guy':

“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints last year, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius”.

[cjlmlml]

I know a lot of you are thinking,


That Chris Lyons, what a high powered financial guy he is.

I wonder what his days are like?


Well, take 6 minutes of your life and watch this.

Its probably funnier to me than you, but I think you will enjoy it.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7743951/

[mitchntx]

Chris ... I can just imagine that's what it's like every day in your world, you pompass ass. :shock:

[cjlmlml]

Mitch, I hate to point this out, but you misspelled pompous.

Im just saying.

[mitchntx]

8)

[JasonLiiR]

Hey Chris, you ever gonna come race again or just hang out on the forums?

[Fbody383]

Uh... never mind.

[mitchntx]

The eonomy is so bad and I'm so depressed about it, I called a local suicide hotline and got a call center in a India.

The good news is Peggy asked if I wanted to drive one of their fertilizer trucks.

[cobra132]

Cali vs Texas


California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.


1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The State EPA spends $250,000 on developing an Environmental Impact Study on the area where the coyote was relocated to make sure no endangered species are threatened

7. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

8. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

9. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. The fired Security Agents union files a wrongful termination suit for $2 million against the State

11. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


vs


Texas
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

[edrock96GT]

Cali vs Texas


California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.


1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The State EPA spends $250,000 on developing an Environmental Impact Study on the area where the coyote was relocated to make sure no endangered species are threatened

7. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

8. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

9. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. The fired Security Agents union files a wrongful termination suit for $2 million against the State

11. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


vs


Texas
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

Who? Our governor?

Yeah...he loves animals.. :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9EGPNbTaOI&feature=related

[Rsmith350]

A woman arrives at a party and while scanning the
guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name
is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact, I gave it to
myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the
most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen."

"What's your name?" she said.

He answered "B.J. Titsenbeer!"

"Stolen from NASA site"

[ShadowBolt]

A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar.......













Bartender ask.......

















































"What'll it be Mr, President?"


JJ

[Rsmith350]

Amen!

[Fbody383]

"What'll it be Mr, President?" << golf clap >> Nicely played, sir. Expect a visit very soon.